Anger, Shame and Guilt in Relationships


Everyone knows today that vibration rules the world. People want to have healthy relationships and many times we’re in long-term relationship and it gets stuck, it contracts, it plateaus, and we are looking for a partner to give us more, or we are looking outside ourselves for someone else to find someone special that will make us happy. And what I want to say is, it doesn’t work. The real essential relationship in life is your relationship with yourself.

The universe is constantly expanding and as a mandate you’ll expand too. You must grow on an intellectual level, on an emotional level and in a spiritual level. Your emotional intelligence must expand. In order to do that, we must ask ourselves the existential question “Who am I?” This is an ongoing thing. We come from the light, we return to the light. We want to know who we are on a deeper level. That’s the purpose of this life to grow and expand. Transform those things inside each of us that is in truth. I noticed over the years with myself and working with many hundreds of people that there are three emotions that contract the life force much more than the others, they are anger, guilt and shame.

I’ll start with the anger. Anger contracts the life force, because we look outside ourselves to blame outside forces from what’s going on. Before someone gets really angry, they get really hurt and if someone would stick a finger in that wound they will react. Some people will over react or withdraw and become passive aggressive. This type of anger makes us really numb and over time our emotional intelligence goes down. Often people who repress anger will become exhausted or they will become depressed and they just won’t feel good about themselves. They don’t realize that the cause of them not feeling good about themselves is just internal. It’s all about them so it’s often important to get help to understand the cause and effect about what is making you angry and the numbness that is the result of that.

The second and third things are about shame and guilt. Let me clarify the difference. Guilt is I made up of a mistake and shame is, I am a mistake. Guilt means there is something wrong with what I have done and shame is there is something wrong with who I am. If you feel guilty you will not perform at your best. You will feel unworthy of the things that you want the most. Your heart’s desire will be thwarted, because your vibration will be low and the energy of life will contract. So you must make restitution or resolve that conflict of what you did to hurt yourself or to hurt another. Shame is even more intrinsic, it becomes part of our identity where we feel toxic. Person can feel flawed and defective and unworthy and begin to sabotage the things they want the most. Especially if they are in a relationship, they’ll sabotage with their partner, or you know, new relationships can be very fragile, if they really care about someone, they will find a way to push them away, because on some level, shame is operating.

I know in English there is only one word for shame, other languages like Italian or French there’s a healthy shame which would like be dignity, or unhealthy shame which is toxic. What we want to do is to love that shame, embrace it, forgive ourselves, and transform that. So a woman can be restored to her dignity and she can walk in her full grace and magnificence. And a man can really stand in his manhood and hold that beautiful space for a woman of honoring and to love her for who she really is and embrace her and accept her.

These are important ingredients to resolve the anger, the guilt and the shame and it will enable you to go deeper and deeper into that important question “Who am I?” If you would like to learn more about this, we have a 1-day workshop, Heartfelt Relationships which is amazing and free. You could find the details on the website. If you don’t have access to Sydney, there is lot of articles and information that can assist you in moving beyond these issues so you can reach your full potential and have your heart’s desire fulfilled. That’s what I want for you. That’s my purest intention. And don’t forget you’re drop dead gorgeous.

Lead from your heart,
Robert Kirby